Finding Joy In The Abyss....Even If You Are Not A Parent..Yet.

This past Monday I took Harvard to  his first occupational therapy evaluation. I wasn't surprised I kind of could see the news coming. As any parent you want what's best for your child  you don't want them to experience  hurt or shame because they learn differently.The therapist suggested Harvard might have  slight Hypotonia and low muscle tone. The therapist suggested  he needs a hearing check  also the therapist said he shows signs of development of a 9 month old by not  speaking or walking he's not able to stack cups or  place wood squares in a bowl just throws them down on the ground.The last suggestion the therapist  recommends  that Harvard go to a Developmental Pediatrician  up to when he's 18 years old. Part of me feels torn for my precious boy . I asked myself Did I do this? Did the hospital  Do this? Could it be from him rolling of the couch ? Is it from  when   my husband wouldn't let me give him formula when I wasn't producing enough breast milk  ? Am I stunting his growth? Am I not letting him do things on his own?  When I got home  I just broke down  sobbed  held my son in my arms and sobbed some more . My dreams for Harvey were crushed I wanted and hoped he'd be able to go to Harvard University  to study Harvard Law  I wanted the best for him I still do Harvard deserves the best care for whatever he's got  has or can work through. I hope  this can be manageable  possibly he can  outgrow but it could just be wishful thinking .I just wish he wouldn't have to go through what I went through from knowing my learning adversities.  Maybe this doesn't have anything to do about me but something bigger all on its own.The "Hurt & Mad" side of me would like to blame the hospital  for not calling the doctor when they  should of but hours later fully dilated 10 cm no baby coming out his nose hooked on my Pelvis Bone  finally they made the call . Harvard wasn't breathing when he came out from the c-section. Harvard could be brain damaged from lack of oxygen for who knows how long . The "What If" side of me wonders did I pass  this on to  my son  do I carry a faulty gene central nervous system  due to a faulty hereditary gene? Could Harvey be brain damaged from rolling of the couch 7 or so times? I feel horrible. I just want Harvey to be okay !!  I know this is in God's hands and that its going to be okay. I still think deep down maybe it's because I need to interact with him more maybe he doesn't get enough. If that's the case I feel ashamed again. I know he's getting help and I am grateful he is. I wish I could take this away I want to know what I can do to fix it. I am going to remain strong even if part of me is  sad, mad,and hurt. Last thing, Harvey is a extremely happy baby which sweetens the future obstacles and heavy loads we will face together. I have joy that my son is extremely happy despite everything going on. I find I am lucky  than most parents.